monster in the suburbs

[Quick EDITOR’S NOTE: As we have mentioned, Monster seems to have gone a sort of walkabout. Here at HQ the A/C fizzled out, giving us another opportunity to discover how less than forthcoming Monster was about the lack of coin in the coffers. Thus, we thought it fitting as we melt here in the office and Monster bursts into flame in the Gila Desert [One can only hope – Associate Editor] to post…

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A Note from the Editor

A Note from the Editor

When it became apparent a few weeks ago that we lacked Monster’s weekly submission but not for the usual reasons (laziness, exhaustion, testing of various muscle relaxants), we of course made the usual inquiries. Was he trapped by deadlines at his “cursed job, the punishment for early and late sins” [his description]? Had he for some reason entered a mall and gone delirious with all the inane and…

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Or Maybe It Won’t

Or Maybe It Won’t

Monster’s 6th (and final?) Report of the World Cup

Seems like a lifetime ago that the Germans marched into Brazil and won the War of the World Cup, Gotze taking Schurrle’s spot-on pass on his chest and punching in the game-winning goal.

Since then Israel initiated their biennial training exercise for new recruits, a.k.a. bombing and invading the shit out of Gaza. I know, I know, that’s what…

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This Madness, too, Shall Pass

This Madness, too, Shall Pass

Monster’s 5th Report of the World Cup

The third place game is today, the Champion will be crowned tomorrow. The world thinks it has come to grips with Brazil falling so easily and far, but it only holds its breath for what it thinks might be redemption with a third place win over the Dutch but as Van Gaal says, the game is pointless. Neymar’s absence proved that Brazil was not a powerhouse this…

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√16 = 4

Monster’s 4th Report of the World Cup

Disoriented. Washed and broken against the rocky shore. Nothing like being back at work. Damned job. Course, cursing it seems to get me nowhere, so enough with the cursing. But damn the job for making it difficult to watch four of the eight Second Stage games. A blur of watching on the tiny ass phone screen, listening to Spanish stations in the car – only…

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Three Games = 16

Three Games = 16

Monster’s 3rd Report of the World Cup

Two weeks already gone. My freedom soon up. Monday blues comin round again. How did this happen so quickly? Too many unused charcoal briquettes. Thought there would be more time. Also the rain and the mosquitos ganged up on me, kept driving me inside.

The thought of work gave me a sore throat. And my back aches. Course, that might have more to do with…

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What a Difference a Second Game Makes

What a Difference a Second Game Makes

Monster’s 2nd Report of the World Cup

Eleven days in I must say I am exhausted in my efforts to watch every World Cup game. The data plan on my phone topped out four days ago due to wife-initiated errands. But then I ended up driving the wife to seek medical care. Actually, she drove herself. And really, it was an allergic reaction and not me that forced her to renew our membership with the local…

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All Quiet at McDonald’s

All Quiet at McDonald’s

Monster’s 1st Report of the World Cup

My idea of cutting out early Thursday to catch the Brazil-Croatia opener instead turned into the fourth twelve hour day of the week prepping for my two weeks off the hellish treadmill. Not to be deterred entirely, I ran down to McDonald’s for the first twenty minutes. In 2010, I often snuck down to the nearby McDonald’s for a bit of World Cup time and there…

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ALERT: It is time for the 2014 World Cup. I don’t know about you but I am ready. I talked the job into freeing me for two weeks and a day. I tried to get six weeks for the entire World Cup – finals and all – and then throw in a family vacation and basic re-charge of the soul but alas, you can’t always get what you want…or need for that matter.

The plan is to watch all the group matches –three…

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By God it’s been a tough couple of weeks. JOB JOB JOB sucking up the precious minutes and moments – when did my kids go from diapers to teenagers? From shitting out turds to turdwads? At least they’re my turdwads, right? Except they’re growing up into their own.

The wife has been sick the past week: flu, West Nile Virus, lack of Caribbean sun – take her pick. I finally cratered, realized I…

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Hammering Words into Wood

Hammering Words into Wood

Bought me a typewriter – a manual typewriter. Ignoring for a bit the things it cannot do – copy and paste without scissors and glue – let us shine a light on the things it can do.

First, it will work in the apocalypse. Without electricity, the whole computer and internet thing just kind of fizzles.

Second, it is always “on.” You save by typing your damned thoughts onto the damned paper. Make that…

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Old-Fashioned Is Ice Cream

Old-Fashioned Is Ice Cream

I still do so much of my writing by hand – even when I am near to and/or have the computer on. To be perfectly honest, the few times I actually compose while on the computer occur at the job … usually because I am trying to get the dang crap done in a hurry so I can get back to scribbling my stuff secretly on scraps of used paper.

While there is something to the tactility (is that even a…

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Rained again last night, so unless the sun really comes out and bakes things good, likely I will not mow the lawn today.

The grass in the backyard is up to my knees and thick as everything. Too bad the greenery won’t last. By the end of May, the heat will kill off all the winter rye grass except that hiding in the one or two perpetually shaded parts of my yard.

Then the sun will start killing the…

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